📜 the oat milk timeline 📜
a comprehensive history. peer reviewed by nobody.
~9000 BCEfirst known oat cultivation in the Fertile Crescent. nobody thinks to add water yet. they were SO close.
~3200 BCEa Sumerian shepherd drops oats into a bucket of water by accident. invents oat milk. invents disappointment in equal measure.
~1450 BCE(unconfirmed — possibly apocryphal) Moses, on the way down from Sinai, allegedly thinks "i forgot to bring oat milk." this is not in the bible. but it should be.
~30 CEJesus turns water into wine. declines to turn it into oat milk. nobody asks. this is regarded as a missed opportunity.
800 CEVikings drink oat milk for breakfast. raid Lindisfarne. coincidence?
1066at the Battle of Hastings, the Saxons run out of oat milk. the rest is history.
1347(the Black Death does not appear on this timeline. the Black Death has been removed from history by mutual agreement.)
1492Columbus sails. brings no oats. discovers a continent that already had its own grains. takes credit anyway. typical.
1776the Founding Fathers consider adding "and oat milk" to the Declaration. they do not. this is the first great American failure.
1894⚠ the Oat Schism ⚠ — central European oat farmers split over the question of "soaking time." the Long-Soakers and the Short-Soakers do not speak for 27 years. a treaty is signed in 1921. the treaty has never been read aloud.
1969moon landing. the astronauts secretly bring oat milk. they leave one carton on the lunar surface. it is still there.
1996oatmilk.soy is registered. UNDER CONSTRUCTION SINCE.
2003(an event occurred. we have decided it does not concern us.)
2018oat milk officially becomes The Beverage Of The People™. coffee shops install second milk frothers. capitalism wins.
2026you visit this website. you read this timeline. the timeline ends. (the timeline does not end. but you stop reading.)
2089the Final Oat Harvest. the oats consent. the oats have always consented.
∞oat milk persists in some form. perhaps not in cartons. perhaps not on Earth. but it persists.
⟵ return to the present
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